I found myself waking at at 4am after dozing off from a text with Xiaoxin. I wanted to fall asleep but i did not expect to wake up crying and missing my sister. I dreamt of my family. I dreamt of the changes it felt after my sister is married. I love my sister, i never realised these feelings before. I guess i never have a reason to be feeling this ways before, i never thought that she will be moving away and start a life somewhere even though thats what she talks about all the time last year. This fact has finally sunk.
I sleep really late most of the time at home, and mostly there would be that one more person outside in the living room with the lights on and doing her work. The nostalgic 'beep' sound emited from the laptop will ring after awhile and you would know its my sister and her almost powerless lenovo laptop. She would sometime be there when i come back home and we would chit chat and laugh through the night. If i watched a movie i would tell her every single thing from the show that i just watch, the last movie was "The Impossible".
The last time i cried for a girl was "RuoYu" when she was leaving Singapore after 'O' level examination, going Taiwan to study in a university and i never get to meet her again.
I know i will see my sister again but like she said everything is changing. She won't know how badly i miss her. I think somehow she also taught me to love my family for them and if someone need to make this family work it start with 'me'. I love you sister and i wish you forever be happy and believing in all that you are doing.
All that i hope for has been said and done. I had a great life in 2012, mostly focusing on dragon boat. I take a step to workout, to toughen up. And made effort to join and stay in a dragon boat team. Everything that i receive in 2012 has been a wonderful memories. Remembering being clueless about the rowing lingo, getting out of my comfort zone, trying put myself out there to interact with people of all kinds. Because i had hope to live a great life of no regrets. I would say do thing with a better conscience, i lead my life knowing the full consequences as how it might put me into. All i know was i am not ready, incapable of love. I lost another good friend of mine at the start of 2012 due to the issue that i cant love and he fell in love with me even after i told him i cant start anything and i just friend. I tespected his choice to stay away and we wished each other all the best in our life. I think right now, its no longer a rebound because i feel ready to do and be anything. I feel capable of being independant and be ready to love because i've learn to love myself and know what i am able to do. I've a group of friend of my own that i can be in my own skin in although sometime i feel unconfortable with someone. I must say i missed out a lot with my poly friends because of dragon boat but i think this year, 2013 will be the lasy year i am competitive with this sport. I want to love and be love. This years resolution will all be looking out for everyone i missed out on and finding my life time partner. Happy days ahead! Onwards! Finding true love and friendship!
Today marks the first day Gary and JR met Xiao Xin privately
How I met XX is that we went to USS together and XX was brought along by RT, I introduced myself the first moment i met XX and he was actually eating a piece of cake. Talk about awkward and wrong timing. I got to know him by the end of the trip and when we parted we had this longing to know each other and feared that we might not meet again. At least for him, I remember trying to catch his eye and he was trying to find mine, and we bid goodbye because we both took different cars home.
To my surprised he found my Facebook the next day and I was happy he did.
I didn't want to date him out because I want to know him as a friend first. I want to meet him up casually with a bunch of friends so he will know how I am like when im around people and not how I am like when I am just with him because my actions will just be bias.
Thats why I wanted to ask him out again to One Altitude where we went clubbing with RT and the rest. But he couldn't make it then. But it's fine because afterward we went to RT's birthday celebration and he is coming :) Since i'm trying to get to know him I casually spoke to him about our Christmas Party and invited him along, so recently we just met up again during Christmas. I met him so far 3times and today was the 4th because I was in around his area with Gary and JR so I asked him down to pass something to him.
And this is like the first time being with him in such a small group and letting him know two of my very best friend!
it was good I guess but I am afraid it gets awkward like there is no common topic or anything, I want to keep the excitement and moment going and I don't want anyone to be awkward, especially not XX but I guess it was great! I felt a slightly more closer to XX :)
I want to be happy, to be bliss again so I can tell people from my past that I am fine and living again.
I had a major sunburnt from yesterday extra training. Eddie was with me all the way from 10-6 round there off. It was pretty fun because it took out time rowing about. Meng, Ray and XW is there too but they all left earlier.
Well today I am suppose to gym but I let time get the better of me. been so lazy dozing on and off. But I accomplished something today (something insignificant though) i am a level 60 witch doctor and have inferno mode on diablo3. No lifer I am.
Anyway i guess all my infatuation is gone or has it? I guess my mind has cleared up pretty good, how i did it? I stray away from temptation for me to be infatuated in, I stop thinking about it and I do other stuff to keep my mind away. working out pretty good actually. Now even if i were to think of that person, I sort of have this "i liked this person the other day" feeling and sort of empty yet itchiness. Strange.
So today I did not hit the gym. It's okay because after another extra training with Eddie tomorrow at bedok, I think we will go to the gym? If he is not going I will be going by myself then, I need to strengthen my muscle! the definition seem to be fading off! Going off to katong later to meet up for Team SP4 to do our affinity! I do hope today's meeting will postponed tomorrow meeting. hate these evening meeting. seriously take up the time :(
Been a pleasant weeks. Graduation Day for all my friends. School and met up with my friends for our company stuff.
And its PA Paddles tomorrow! I am fucking nervous. I am visualizing every single event thats gonna happen so I wouldn't be terrify tomorrow. But I don't even know where to begin. Fuck! I am torn between wearing contacts or glasses!
I like this boy. but he is straight and even if he is not there is no way i am somewhat near his qualities. But the question is, how do I find out if he is straight or not from his mouth. I heard he told people he is straight but everyone often think he is gay. But honestly, from the heart telling me. So I can have my resolve and try to heal myself for being weak!
It is so strange that you know so many people in your life time. You love them, but you arent attracted to want to know them more. Than unknowingly came a fella, and your world changes. You views and thoughts are no longer just about yourself. And when you know they are going to leave, probably forever. Your heart cries out and die bit by bit everyday. You can't think probably, you can focus and you can't perform well.
Enough of chatters.
I had a bloody good steamboat session with my teammates on Saturday at Meng's house. Of Ivan porkchop brought his dog over! fuck the cutest thing ever. Hwee Sheng was carrying it when they came. After we went home. I played Diablo3 with HS until 2+am, so freaking tired!
And on Sunday, I went over to Lihui's first to meet up with Sheng Yang and Yun Yu! They came back from Thailand, heard their stories and it sounded freaking awesome. And they bought some singlets for me too! I hope its not ugly. I was late for training on sunday because had to discuss our company projects with them. Took us quite awhile and afterward I rushed for rowing. Didn't row much. Damn sien. Had lunch over at fareast and than I rushed back to Katong Shopping Center to sing K with SY, YY and Lihui . I feel guilty because I sang most of the time.
And there is today. Slow lazy day. Got to finish most of my work! But i'm so tempted to go swimming in this hot weather!
A few more weeks to PA Paddle! My first competition for dragonboat! Exciting!
I went for training today. Damn I am seriously falling in like with this guy. But from all the information i heard and gather, he is going for Canoe Polo when he go into NUS. And hell, yesterday when they were counting the ratio for straights and gay, he kind of told them to put him in the straight section and he also said that many people think he is gay but he is straight. You know when you like someone of the same sex and they mentioned these kind of thing. Part of you just die off a little. Yes I like him, but I won't force it, everything needs to be natural for it to be true and real. It hurt and the angsty feeling is annoying but it can't be help.
On the side note, I recently found out a friend from my secondary is a les! and she was telling me all sorts of things. She told me to try to go for the guy i am in like right, since she was straight before shes gay. But to her, he seem pretty gay to her as well. But well, this guy i like is just really love his NS mates so much. Its everywhere on his facebook. LMAO. but well, I need to relax and fight off this feeling.
We promised Hwee Sheng to go AMK after rowing today. The team actually was kinda bastard as they didnt adhered to the promised but after much convincing they are going to AMK. but! its funny, we took bus 22 and somehow, we went to NEX shopping mall to eat instead and we went for pizza hut! Sheng and I shared some drumlets and ate the same thing, curry zazzle. Chatted, laughed, have some fun. I'm glad the ice is melting bit by bit everyday. And we went home after getting some Durian Puff for our parents!
Seriously, because of this love-hate feeling i get around that person. I just don't want this period to end. Its like a honeymoon period somewhere in my faraway land.